I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
