Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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