My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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