Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
