i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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