I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
