a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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