I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
