I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
