We're facebook friends in real life
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize