I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize