I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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