well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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