Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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