and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
