Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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