Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We are all done wearing pants today
This toilet bowl is my home.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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