So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
