Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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