Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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