my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
