in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I just sharted jello shots
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