i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
