there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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