...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
