I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
