My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
