Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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