Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
