He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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