Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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