Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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