What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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