your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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