My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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