No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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