I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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