She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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