THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
