What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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