did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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