I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
