weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
