the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
