happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
