she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
