He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize