I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
