i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
