I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
