the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize