end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
