Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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