im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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