Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
