somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
