you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
