you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she told me i tasted like america
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
